It's the AOL geek gallery!
Thursday, October 28, 1999 | 04:36 p.m.
OK, this is mean, especially since if they could dig up a picture of me and my friends in 7th grade we would surely appear on this site. However, I must say that I hard core covet the Ghostbusters shirt that "the best geek ever" is wearing.

No, it's MY turn to hold the conch
Thursday, October 28, 1999 | 03:26 p.m.
CBS is developing a show called "Survivor" that disturbingly combines the Real World with Lord of the Flies. Get castaway on an uncharted desert isle and be one of 16 people who will compete for one million dollars. You're not provided with food or shelter. Sounds tasty? Go ahead and check out the application.

Calling all ladies!
Thursday, October 28, 1999 | 12:36 p.m.
"You should be a very attractive, brunette or blonde. (for some reason people think I want a blond, I put brunette first. I don't know where that comes from other than maybe general closure thinking I just want some bimbo. That will NEVER happen!) NON SMOKER, 24-35, 5'4"- 6', 110-140 lbs. For example 5'4" -110lbs, 5'8" 130lbs. etc. Please respect the fact that I know what type of build I'm attracted to and wish it was not so restricted. I did not make that perception, it's just what came about within me. At least I'm being honest with myself and you!"

Pig.

Special Days of Our Lives Edition
Thursday, October 28, 1999 | 11:31 a.m.
I used to be rilly, rilly into Days, mostly because I spent three years of college getting stoned and eating chips, and Days is the perfect accompaniment to this activity. But now I haven't a clue what's going on, although I'm sure I could pick it up in two seconds due to the time-honored soapy technique of repeating storylines and dialogue ten times a day.

Soaps are basically fun fun fun because they're stupid; people who berate them for this are missing the point entirely. That still allows a lot of room for endless ridicule, however.

• The Austin Bashing Page. Austin Peck is an actor (who happens to have the same name as his character) on Days who is well-known for his hot body and complete lack of intelligence and acting skills. The guy has a hard time reading his cue cards. This page is hilarious but it's more because of spelling and grammatical errors than anything else. Quote from the Austin Guide to Life: "Never have mirrors in your bedroom for if you wake up, you might think there was a monsterous monkey in your bed".
• Days of Our Lives Bashing Central is an intelligent, well-written page with lots of good reasons why Days is a stupid show, which is shooting fish in a barrel. You don't watch a show that's chock full of evil twins, long-lost quadruplets, princesses locked up in towers and demon possession and expect it to be on par with Masterpiece Theatre.
• The Guide to Life in Salem is a snarky piece of work with gems like "If you are black, expect to be relegated to the "let's move this story along" role. You'll get to talk to white people and tell them they belong together a lot."

It's Thursday, so it must be Ted
Thursday, October 28, 1999 | 10:40 a.m.
This isn't, like, some obscure link or anything, it's the E! Online Ted Casablanca gossip column. I know, I know, it's like linking to Yahoo or the Useless Pages in terms of obscurity, but I'm always willing to spread the gospel of the bitchiest columnist out there. I love anyone who'll really print what a bitch Sarah Michelle Gellar is instead of tippie toeing around it (Entertainment Weekly, I'm looking in your direction).

I also usually really like TNT's the Rough Cut and Reel's Hollywood Confidential, except this week, HC is a piece of shit. The basic premise of the article is that a lot of good female actors aren't that hot (he sites Cate Blanchett, so he's lacking in both brains and taste), so the writer doesn't wanna go see their movies, because they aren't hot enough. Oh shut up masturbating reviewer man. See, that's why they are actresses and not models. And you don't see people bitching about, say, Meryl Streep or Robert Deniro not being "hot enough". Cuz guess what, good actors are good actors, and they don't always look like fucking Nicole Kidman. Oh, and by the way, the guy who writes this page looks an awful like John Black from Days of our Lives.

It's the That 70's Show purity test!
Wednesday, October 27, 1999 | 03:46 p.m.
OK, OK, I'll admit that I rilly like this show, but I don't even understand most of these questions.

Top Ten Halloween Costumes for 1999
Wednesday, October 27, 1999 | 12:02 p.m.
Not too many surprises here, although I'm curious as to what, exactly, "witches, devils, angels, and princesses" have in common.

So here are Alice's Top Five Costumes for 1999 (mostly stolen from friends, and these are all girl costumes, but drag is so Halloween anyway):

01. Ms. Hannigan from Annie. Think blowsy drunken broad. Frizzy red hair, layers of long skirts, lots of costume jewelry, smeared lipstick, an empty (or full, depending on your preferences) gin bottle with the label replaced with "XXX".

02. Barbarella. Big poofy hair (you need either a wig or a fall, or at least a lot of hairspray), something short and 60's, go-go boots and a space phaser. This of course runs the risk of getting confused with the Austin Powers crap-o-rama mentioned above, but renting the movie should provide enough inspiration so that you can clearly differentiate yourself from Felicity Shagwell.

03. Pageant Mom. This is my FAVORITE and I wish I could take credit for it. Wear lots and lots of makeup (including turquoise blue eyeshadow), either an 80's style suit or one of those Suburban Uniform jogging suits, some gold chains, major nails, and carry around a little girl doll (Miss Makeup Face would be sublime) that you then yell at and beat with a hanger. So perfect.

04. A Pregnant Anything. This adds an extra spicy, naughty edge to your traditional costumes. Pregnant Nun is the classic, but you can be a Pregnant Girl Scout, a Pregnant Scully, a Pregnant Prom Queen.. the possibilities are endless.

05. Dead Prom Queen slash Carrie: all you need for this is some heinous 80's taffeta prom dress (a wide selection is at every thrift store in the universe), maybe a plastic tiara, and a bunch of fake blood spilled all over yourself. Zombie makeup, ratty hair, ripped stockings, etc. all heighten the eerie effect. A classic.

Oh and speaking of boca burgers
Wednesday, October 27, 1999 | 11:51 a.m.
They have a very very strange corporate site. What's up with that front page design?

Tasty falafel
Wednesday, October 27, 1999 | 11:36 a.m.
You know how sometimes you only want to eat one specific food for every single meal? Like nothing else tempts you except for the tasty tasty food you cannot stop thinking about? This year alone, I have had the Boca Burger phase, the plain yogurt and granola phase, the roma tomato, red onion, and mozzerella sandwich phase, the pesto pasta salad from Pagliacci's stage, and now I am in the tasty falafel stage.

Every day I go home and get off the bus and go to the Broadway market (which is the largest gay mall in the US, although I'm not sure how you define how "gay" a mall is these days) and go to Gyro World and order a falafel sandwich to go. It's $4.39 and worth every red cent and comes with the best freaking tzatziki sauce I've had. I can't stop. I am thinking about that right now, and there isn't even a halfway decent falafel place in Pioneer Square. It sucks.

Anyway, this page is about falafel, and I think I must go to Israel now so I can get the best falafel ever. Either that or I will spread the gospel of falafel by sending falafel e-cards to all my friends.

Falafel recipes: one, two, three

The Girl Groups Fan Club
Wednesday, October 27, 1999 | 11:02 a.m.
Warning: this page is butt-fugly and has a heinous midi file (of what, I'm not sure) on load. But it also has tons and tons of really great pictures of 60's girl groups and singers like the Ronettes, the Shangri-Las and Dusty Springfield, all of whom rule the school. It also has this beautiful animated .gif, which I think is just peachy:

Isn't that fabulous?

I'd also like to take a moment to state for the record that the lack of tragedy songs being recorded is a damn fucken shame. I wanna hear the tale of woe of a boy who enters a drag strip race to win the money for the engagement ring for his fiancee-- and dies!! Or the girl who dumps her rebel boyfriend because her parents disapprove- and he's crying so hard he can't see the road while he's driving his motorcycle-- and he dies!!! I could see, like, Sugar Ray or one of these infernal "rock and roll" bands doing a damn fine job with that.

Danger!!
Wednesday, October 27, 1999 | 11:00 a.m.
I just got back from a trip to Merry Olde Australia and I was surprised by how wired Sydney was. Everyone has those little fancy Nokia cellphones with the detachable covers and there are dirt cheap net cafes every two blocks. Maybe some of them are scrungier than others.

Ad Access
Wednesday, October 27, 1999 | 10:40 a.m.
Oooh, vintage advertisements! Lots of them! In full technicolor! I guess some sociology bigwigs at hoity-toity Duke University decided to fill up a couple megs on the server of old radio, television and (gasp) feminine hygiene ads. A rich source of images, sociological data (if you're into that kind of thing) and snickering.